


Wisteria

by knight0fd00m



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Best Friends, Character Death, Death, F/M, Friendship/Love, Humanstuck, Love, Lung Cancer, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-31
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2018-01-10 15:38:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1161534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knight0fd00m/pseuds/knight0fd00m
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The trolls all go to a private school in the small town of Skaia called the Alternian School for the Arts and Sciences. While there, Nepeta falls ill and slowly creeps toward death with every passing day. With her best friend at her side, how will Nepeta spend her last few months alive? Written from Equius’ point of view.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

I, personally, wasn’t very good at this class.  
I sat in my studio art class at the Alternian School for the Arts and Sciences next to my best friend, Nepeta. She was painting a very detailed picture of a cat, her favorite animal. I, however, was trying to paint someone with a robotic arm and leg. It wasn’t turning out very well simply due to the fact that art was not my strong suit.  
The teacher, Ms. Lalonde, announced that it was almost the end of class and we needed to clean up. I had Introduction to Robotics next, also with Nepeta along with Karkat, Terezi, and Gamzee, which came easily to me. My older brother, Horuss, taught the class. It was his first year, but he was doing a very good job. He also taught Advanced Placement Robotics, which I was taking next semester.  
Nepeta fell into another coughing fit. She had been coughing for about a month now, but it seemed to be getting worse. She had started wheezing when she breathed, which was usually just short pants, about a week ago.  
“Are you alright Nepeta?” I asked her when her coughing fit subsided.  
She looked at me and nodded, a weak smile playing across her face, “Yeah I’m just purrfect,” her voice was hoarse.  
The sense of worry that sat in my chest grew when I saw her hand, which was coated in a bright red liquid.  
Blood.  
“Nepeta, I urge you to go to the infirmary. If you are coughing up blood then something is not right with your lungs and it must be evaluated,” I said as she pulled her hand behind her back.  
“I’m fine Equius, that’s been happening for a few days now and I’m still okay I’m sure it’s nothing,” she looked up at me sheepishly, rubbing her chest with her fist. She was obviously in pain.  
“A few days? Nepeta coughing up blood is a sign that something is very wrong and you must have it evaluated,” I urged her.  
She shrugged and stood to put her supplies away, wiping her hand on her pants. It left a dark smudge on her navy blue skirt.  
We put away our supplies just as the bell rang, and as we walked out of the classroom to head to Robotics, Nepeta stumbled and caught my arm to keep herself upright.  
“Are you alright?” I gently grabbed her other arm to help her stay standing. I looked her in the eyes to see her eyelids half shut and her face was deathly pale.  
“Yeah… I’m fine…” she sounded ill.  
“I’m taking you to the infirmary, you sound ill,” I wrapped the arm she was holding onto around her waist to help guide her.  
“I’m fine Equi…” she didn’t get to finish her sentence because her eyes fluttered shut and she slumped against my arm.  
“Nepeta!” I caught her as she fell. I picked her up and started walking quickly toward the direction of the infirmary.

~=====<3=====~

I walked into the infirmary, carrying my unconscious best friend, and immediately a few of the nurses ran up asking me what happened.  
“She’s been coughing up blood. I was urging her to seek medical attention when she fell unconscious,” I explained.  
“Bring her over here, we’ll take care of her,” said a nurse with long black hair. Her name tag said June.  
I followed her to a bed where I laid Nepeta down. The ASAS infirmary had their own doctors and nurses because we were so far away from the nearest hospital in Prospit, which was an hour drive from here. Skaia was too small of a town to have a hospital.  
I remained by Nepeta’s side while they hooked her up to all sorts of tubes and wires. The campus doctor, Doctor Egbert, came up to evaluate her.  
Even though only a few minutes had gone by, it felt like it had been hours. The words from the nurses and Dr. Egbert seemed muffled, and I only hear bits and pieces of things. I heard something about lung cancer being a possibility. Nepeta didn’t smoke…  
But her father did. She grew up inhaling the acrid smoke of her father smoking 3 packs a day. Also, when we hung out with Gamzee at his parents’ apartment, he chain smoked for hours on end.  
One of the nurses tried to pull me aside and I cried out, “No! I must remain here!”  
She shook her head and I managed to read her lips as she said, “I just need to ask you a few questions about her symptoms.”  
I nodded slowly, my hearing returning to me, “What do you need to know?”  
“Has she been experiencing any shortness of breath?”  
“Yes.”  
“Has she been coughing persistently? If so for how long?”  
“Yes, and for about a month now.”  
“Has she been coughing up any blood?”  
“Yes, for a few days now she told me.”  
“Has her voice been hoarse at all?”  
“After a bad coughing fit yes, and I think you can hear her wheezing I don’t know if that helps at all.”  
She nodded, “We can hear her wheezing. Has she complained about any chest pain?”  
“I noticed her rubbing her chest earlier, she appeared to be in pain.”  
She gave me a grim look, “Thank you, I hate to tell you this but she seems to be experiencing symptoms of lung cancer, and she is most likely going to have to be transferred to Prospit Hospital for further analysis.”  
My blood ran cold. I know I had heard them say this before, but it didn’t shock me any less after hearing it told directly to me.  
“B-But she doesn’t smoke, can you get cancer from second hand smoke?” I already knew the answer, but I had to have confirmation.  
“Unfortunately yes. Do you know anyone that smokes around her that she could have gotten sick from?”  
“Her father smokes a lot and our friend chains smokes off campus even when we’re around…” a small spark of anger resonated deep inside my chest, but I tried to smother it. They did not intend to make her sick, but they did anyway. Even when I protested at Gamzee for smoking around us.  
The nurse nodded and we walked back over by Nepeta’s bedside. They had an IV in her arm with fluid dripping down into her arm.  
I kneeled by her bedside and rested my arms on the bed, watching her, willing her to wake up.  
A feeling of horror and anxiety had taken root in my chest. What if she did have cancer? Lung cancer was pretty much a death sentence. I couldn’t lose my best friend, I just couldn’t.  
I was watching her eyes, willing them to open. Her face was too pale, there was a line of blood draining from the corner of her mouth, and despite that she looked oddly peaceful.  
I realized just then that my eyes had welled up with tears and spilled over. I was suddenly glad that I always wore my cracked sunglasses because at that moment Nepeta’s eyes fluttered open.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I blinked a few times to dry my eyes, I had to be strong for her.  
She looked around before she turned to face me, “Oh, hey there Equius. Where am I?”  
“The infirmary. You passed out just after Studio Art ended.”  
“I did? Oh God I’m so sorry!” her eyes went wide with horror. “I must have not-” she struggled to inhale. “eaten enough this morning!”  
I felt myself frown, “Nepeta, you’re really sick. That is what made you lose consciousness.”  
She frowned, “I’m fine, wait, why is there an IV stuck in my arm?”  
“Medication I assume.”  
Just then Dr. Egbert walked up and said, “It’s a saline solution, you are very dehydrated on top of being sick.”  
She turned her head to look at him, “I’m fine it’s just a little cold that’s all.”  
“I’m sorry to say but it not just a cold Miss Leijon. We are making arrangements to have you transferred to Prospit Hospital as we speak.”  
I didn’t think it was possible for her face to get any paler, but it did, “W-what? I’m fine though I swear!”  
“I’m sorry Miss Leijon, but you are very ill right now and need to be properly evaluated which we cannot do here. We suspect you may have a tumor in your lungs and we do not have the equipment here to be sure.”  
“W-What?” she gripped the sheets. “A tumor?!”  
He nodded grimly and I put my head down on my arms. I wasn’t used to this kind of pain that was wrecking havoc in my chest. The anxiety, the pain, the anger, I wasn’t used to it.  
Dr. Egbert must have nodded because I could hear a Nepeta choke out a sob. I looked up to see she had pulled the sheet up to her face and tears were streaming down her face.  
I reached a hand up and brushed the tears off her face, “You are a strong woman Nepeta, you can fight this.”  
She turned and gave me a sad smile, “Thank you Equius, you are a great furriend.”  
I tried to give her a smile back, but I couldn’t bring myself to.  
She pulled a hand up to hold onto mine before curling up into a ball around my forearm, “Don’t go anywhere, please?”  
I nodded, “I will not leave.”  
She smiled and rested her head on my wrist. I didn’t dare move my arm.  
She laughed a little, which sent her into a coughing fit. She covered her mouth with her hand, but some of the blood dripped onto my arm.  
“Sorry,” she rasped. “I was going to make a comment on how you’re all sweaty again and probably could use a towel.”  
I gave a half smile, “I said I was not going to leave, therefore I will deal with it.”  
She half smiled, “Thank you, it means a lot that you’re here.”  
I opened my mouth to speak when Dr. Egbert walked back over, I hadn’t even noticed him leaving.  
“Miss Leijon, you will be transported to Prospit Hospital in roughly an hour. It’s best to try and get some rest now while you can. Mr. Zahhak you’ll want to let her rest for now.”  
“No!” she rasped, “Please let him stay.”  
The doctor looked conflicted for a moment, and Nepeta clung to my arm for dear life while giving him the best pleading look she could muster in her condition.  
“Fine, he can stay. I will email his teachers to let them know where he is, but he will not be able to accompany you to the hospital,” he was pinching the bridge of his nose.  
Nepeta looked distressed, “But… My family isn’t going to be able to make the drive to get there and he’s the most important person to me he has to be there…”  
“I’m sorry Miss Leijon, but he will not be able to accompany you. Most likely the only visitors you will be allowed are family.”  
My heart sank.  
Nepeta curled up tighter around my arm and sobbed, “No! He’s my best friend he has to be there!”  
After a minute or so I was able to tear my gaze from her and looked at Dr. Egbert, “My father works with the hospital with prosthetics, surely he’d be able to make arrangements to allow me to at least visit her.”  
He tilted his head to one side, “That may be possible, but I wouldn’t get your hopes up.”  
I felt a flash of determination and I turned to Nepeta, “Let me make a few phone calls, I’ll be there do not fret.”  
She smiled and rested her head on my wrist again. Dr. Egbert left and Nepeta fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I hung up the phone, my father had negotiated with the hospital staff and they cleared my accompanying Nepeta to the hospital and are allowing me to stay with her since her family could not. They didn’t have a car, so they couldn’t drive the hour trip to Prospit.  
Nepeta stirred a little, but only curled up tighter and nuzzled her head against my wrist. I felt my face flush a little, she looked so innocent in her sleep. If it wasn’t for the paleness of her skin, you wouldn’t have been able to tell she was sick. She wasn’t coughing, and you could barely hear her wheezing.   
A lock of her pitch black hair had fallen in front of her face. Before I knew what I was doing I had brushed her hair out of her face. She stirred a little bit more, and her eyes blinked open.   
I froze, my hand still next to her face, and she giggled a little. I felt my face flush even more than it had before, and I moved my arm back to my side.   
“What was that about Equius?” she rasped with a big grin on her face.  
“N-nothing Nepeta. Some of your hair had fallen in front of your face, that is all.”  
She grinned before coughing again, “So how did the phone calls go?”  
I gave a half smile, “I will be able to accompany you to the hospital and stay at your side.”  
“That’s great!” She crawled over and hugged me, burying her face in my shoulder. I hugged her back while also burying my face in her shoulder.  
We stayed like that for awhile until I heard Dr. Egbert walk over along with two paramedics.  
“Are you prepared to leave Miss Leijon?” Dr. Egbert asked.  
“Yes, and Equius is coming with me.”  
“Was that cleared with the hospital?” he had tilted his head to one side and as he spoke one of the paramedics’ phones went off. He spoke into the phone for a moment before hanging up.  
“It was cleared. Mr. Zahhak will be coming with us,” the paramedic nodded.  
Dr. Egbert nodded and I began to help Nepeta to her feet. “It’s okay, I can walk,” she flashed a smile at me and shakily rose to her feet. I wrapped my arm around her waist and helped her walk with her IV stand. We walked slowly but surely to the ambulance.   
When we got there I helped her up into it with the paramedic lifting the IV stand and I sat on the bench next to the stretcher. The paramedic climbed up and strapped her down to the stretcher. She turned her head to look at me and flashed a small smile before sucumbing to another coughing fit.  
I leaned over, placing my elbows onto my knees and knitting my fingers together to rest my head on, and tried to hide the look of sheer anxiety that most likely was written all over my face.  
She furrowed her eyebrows with concern, “Don’t worry Equius I’ll be fine, remember when I got pneumonia really bad a couple months back?”  
I nodded slowly. She was on antibiotics for a month. She had just gotten over it a few weeks before she started this new bout of coughing.  
“I beat that and that was worse than what I’m feeling now. I’m sure it’s nothing that big okay? Don’t worry about me.”  
I studied her face for a moment, looking for any trace of doubt, but I found none. She truly believes that she’ll be okay.   
I nodded, “I believe you Nepeta.”  
She smiled and reached over and took my sunglasses off my face. I didn’t fight her on it. She put them on her face and smiled a wide, toothy grin. I tried to ignore the blood that was caught between some of her teeth, I tried to ignore how my sunglasses made her look paler than she already was.   
I smiled weakly at her. I really tried to put more enthusiasm in my smile, but I couldn’t. The smile faded off her face and her lip quivered as she spoke, “Your eyes… they’re all red… and bloodshot…”  
I cursed myself inside my head for letting her take my sunglasses.  
“I am fine, do not worry about me, worry about yourself and focus on getting better,” I managed a weak half smile.  
Her lip quivered, “But… you’re upset… you’re never upset… about anything…”  
I reached over and gently grabbed her hand before I realized what I was doing, “I am fine Nepeta.”  
A tiny bit of color reached her face and she smiled a little. I reciprocated the smile to the best of my ability.   
I knew I was in love with her, that much had be obvious to me for a long time. We had known each other since freshman year, and we were juniors now. Both 16. My 17th birthday was coming up at the end of November. We were too young to have to be worrying about if she had cancer or not.  
I knew I loved her when I was a sophomore.  
I realized it while we were at lunch with everyone. I was dating a girl named Aradia at the time, but I was talking to Nepeta at the point in time of this memory. I remember being mesmerized by my best friend’s smile, how she spoke, how her excitement shone in her eyes. I remember I had caught myself staring straight into her eyes as she spoke to me, and how I hadn’t caught a word she had said.  
She had then promptly waved her hand in front of my face and laughed, asking if she was so boring that I had drifted off into my own world. I had tripped over my words and came up with the horrible excuse that I had not gotten enough sleep the night before.  
Aradia and I broke up the next class period.  
I remember Nepeta tackling me into a hug when I told her that Aradia had broken up with me for the simple reason that she was more interested in someone else, who I found out later to be Sollux. I wasn’t too upset about it, especially not when holding Nepeta whom seemed to be more upset about it then I was. Said something about it being her OTP.  
I remember later that week when Karkat broke her heart and turned her down I was holding her as she cried. I had been stroking her hair gently despite being nearly consumed with rage that he would do such a thing to her. She was so gentle, so kind. Anyone would be honored to have her.   
I realized it then, while holding her, that I was in love with her.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Nepeta ended up falling asleep again shortly after the ambulance left ASAS. I still held onto her hand as a comfort to her, not for my own benefit.  
I watched out the back of the ambulance for most of the ride there. After about 45 minutes, or what to me felt more like three hours, the paramedic that was sitting in the chair close to the front but still in the back looked up at me from the paperwork he was doing.  
“She your girlfriend or something?”  
“No, she is my best friend.”  
“Then why do you two want to stick together so badly?” he had turned his head to look at Nepeta, who was still fast asleep.  
“I wish to simply be there for her when she needs me, and her family does not own a vehicle to visit her therefore I am the closest to family she has.” I looked over by Nepeta as well, who looked peaceful in her sleep.   
Nepeta must have felt both sets of eyes on her, because she woke up. She squeezed my hand and looked back at the paramedic, “Are we almost there?” Her voice was hoarse like it had been for the last week or so.   
“We have about another 10 minutes until we reach Prospit,” he replied.  
She nodded slowly and attempted to sit up, but then remembered she was strapped to a stretcher. I understood why they strapped you to it, if you weren’t conscious or severely injured. If you were completely awake and just sick or on psych transfer, then you shouldn’t have to be completely strapped down. However that was just my opinion.  
10 minutes seemed to last an hour, but soon enough we were pulling into Prospit Hospital’s ER parking lot.  
As soon as we stopped moving, the paramedic and I stood as well as we could in the ambulance due to the fact we were both over six feet tall, fully prepared to help Nepeta get out and walk into the ER.   
It took a few minutes, but soon enough I had my arm around her waist and we we were walking into the big double doors.  
~====<3====~

A few crazy hours of watching my best friend get hooked up to monitors and different tubes, we were sitting up in her room on the 5th floor. She hadn’t let go of me the entire time. I could tell by the wild look in her eyes that she was terrified.   
I am mistaken, the only time she had to let go of me is when she had her scans done.   
We were currently waiting for the results of the scans, and Nepeta was using my phone to call her family.  
“Yeah Mom I’m fine.”  
“I passed out…”  
“Um… we’re waiting for the scans of my lungs to come back…”  
“What are they scanning for? Um… tumors.”  
“It’s okay mom it’s okay! I’m sure I’m fine okay?”  
A look of distress crossed her face and I squeezed her hand gently to remind her that I was right there.  
“Yeah, I’ll keep you updated. Equius is with me so I’m not alone at least.”  
“I know you can’t come see me, it’s okay Mom. Like I said I’m not alone.”  
“Yeah, I’ll talk to you when the scans come back. Love you, bye.”  
She hung up and handed me my phone, which I set on the table next to her bed. Her eyes welled up with tears and she reached over and hugged me as tight as her little muscles would let her. I hugged her tight, but not tight enough to hurt her.   
Her shoulders shook and she sobbed into my shoulder. I rubbed her back.  
She looked up and turned her head to face me, her bright green eyes shining with tears and red, “Thank you for being here Equius, it means the world to me that you’re here right now.”  
I nodded, ignoring the pang of pain in my chest from seeing her in so much pain, both emotional and physical. I hugged her again as the doctor, Dr. Harley, came in.   
“I hate to interrupt what looks like a very touching moment, but Miss. Leijon your scans came back,” she gave a half smile. The news would be bad, I knew that look on doctors’ faces too well from working with my father on the weekends. I got to follow him one day to the hospital, and I saw that grim look on doctors’ faces when they were about to tell either they or someone they love were going to need a limb amputated.   
Nepeta looked up at her before sitting upright, reluctantly letting me go, with a nod, “I’m fine right? Please tell me I’m fine and it’s just another bout of pneumonia.”  
The look on Dr. Harley’s face became even more grim, “I’m sorry Miss. Leijon, but your scans came up positive. You have two tumors in your left lung, and three in your right. Your tumors are rather… advanced as well. I am deeply sorry.”  
Nepeta’s face fell, and more tears spilled over from her eyes. A quiet and raspy wail fell from her mouth, and she hugged me again before sobbing into my shoulder again. The anxiety in my chest changed to sheer terror. I wasn’t used to fear. I wasn’t a small man, I worked out after school for hours at a time, so no one was going to attack me. The last time I actually felt fear was when Nepeta called to tell me that she had pneumonia pretty bad, bad enough that the fluid in her chest had built up into clusters….   
Realization hit me like a truck, they weren’t clusters, they were her tumors. The could have caught this earlier.   
They could have caught this earlier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that pneumonia can create clusters in someone’s chest like that because it happened to a family member of mine, may he rest in peace, and they had thought it might have been tumors, but it cleared up after his sickness went away.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Dr. Harley explained that they were going to try a variety of medications if her parents approved and asked her to consider chemotherapy.  
She also told us that Nepeta Leijon may have only a few months left considering her current condition.  
I was currently holding her as she sobbed. She had climbed out of her bed and sat on my lap and was sobbing into my shirt, which was half soaked with sweat anyway. The terror in my chest was mind numbing, along with the grief I was feeling knowing that I was most likely going to lose my best friend within a few months.  
I had on hand rubbing her back and my other hand stroking her hair as she wailed and sobbed. She was clutching fist fulls of my shirt as well. I had my chin resting on her head, staring off into nothing.  
After a while, she looked up at me, “I have no idea how you can remain so calm and collected during this, you see how I’m taking this.”  
I smiled sadly, “I must remain strong for you. That way you have a rock to hold on to during this.”  
She smiled sadly and threw her arms around my neck and buried her face in my shoulder, “Thank you.” I barely heard her muffled thanks, but the misery in her voice nearly broke me. I took a deep breath, and let the tears roll down my face where she wouldn’t see.  
I couldn’t lose her, I just couldn’t.

~====<3====~

A few hours later, Kanaya, Karkat, Terezi, Aradia, Sollux and Gamzee arrived.   
When we had looked over at them in shock, Kanaya (who was one of the few of us who owned a vehicle, Gamzee also owning one) explained that my father had called them and had made arrangements to allow their visitation. I sent a silent thanks to whatever god existed, maybe seeing some of our friends would cheer her up at least a little.  
Realizing that she was still sitting on me her face flushed a little and I lifted her up and put her back on the bed. Aradia, calm and collected as always, walked over and gave her a hug first, “I’m so sorry Nepeta…”  
Nepeta smiled softly, having cried herself out an hour ago, “It’s okay Aradia, I’m sure I’ll be fine.”  
One by one they each gave her a hug, each of the genuine. Even Karkat, who never hugged anyone except for Gamzee, gave her a genuine hug.   
Gamzee went last, and when he walked over he smelled distinctly of marijuana, his drug of choice, and cigarettes. His eyes were filled with guilt, “I’m so sorry Nepeta, I know this isn’t like me at all to feel guilt but motherfucker I feel like if I had listened to Equius and hadn’t been smoking around you…”  
I felt a twinge of anger. Yes Gamzee, if you had listened to me there would be a small chance that she wouldn’t be in this situation. I kept my comments to myself, now was not the time to voice them.  
Gamzee gave her a back breaking hug, which made her squeal. If it wasn’t for the hoarseness of her voice, it would have sounded innocent and everyone would have laughed a little.   
But nothing was innocent anymore. I felt like my whole world had taken a bullet, and shattered.  
I couldn’t imagine what Nepeta must have been feeling. If I felt like my world was crashing down, she must have felt ten times worse. Her life could be at an end soon. I couldn’t imagine what that must feel like.  
We all sat around the room talking about things that did not involve Nepeta being sick. Karkat and Gamzee announced that they had (finally) gotten together and Nepeta squealed again, saying, “It’s about time!” as loud as she could manage.   
We all had laughed. They were going to tell us in Robotics, but then we weren’t there. Gamzee had asked out Karkat this morning, which felt like days before.   
Around five that night they had left. Visiting hours ended at seven, but I refused to leave. I promised I would not leave Nepeta’s side, and I wasn’t going to.   
Kanaya promised to bring up her parents tomorrow after school, which ends at two. They had gotten here at 3:30, because they were able to get permission to leave a little early.   
When seven rolled around, a nurse named Dave, who had sunglasses on despite being at work, came in with Nepeta’s first round of medication.  
“What is this?” she had asked.  
“You’re medication. Dr. Harley prescribed it this afternoon and your parents approved it shortly thereafter,” he gave her a little paper cup with a pill in it and a small plastic one with water in it.  
She pushed aside the small dinner we had shared and took the medication.  
Dave then turned to me, “I’m sorry sir but visiting hours end ten minutes, you’re going to have to leave soon.”  
I shook my head, “I promised to not leave her side and I intend to keep that promise. I also live in Skaia, and have no way to return home.”  
“Aren’t you Mr. Zahhak’s son?”  
“Yes.”  
“He is in the building right now, I’m sure he could take you home.”  
“He is working late tonight if I recall correctly. Is there a way I could speak to him?”  
Dave nodded, “Yeah, give me ten minutes and I’ll come back with him.”   
Ten minutes went by slowly, but sure enough as the church bells near by tolled the seventh bell my father and Dave walked into the room.  
My father walked over and gave Nepeta a hug. She was like a daughter to him, so I could only imagine that he must be feeling distressed right now as well as her parents. He then turned to me and hugged me, which was unusual. He never hugged me or Horuss. He gave me a knowing look that said that he knew I was upset, even if I wasn’t showing it.  
He turned to Dave, “The poor girl’s family can’t visit, and she is like family to us. I urge you to talk to your superiors about letting him stay with her to make sure she is alright. I understand that nurses such as yourself check in on her throughout the night, but it would be much safer if she had someone with her in case something were to happen.”  
Dave looked like he was unsure of what to do, but he nodded and then left. He returned shortly thereafter with Dr. Harley.   
“You make a good point Mr. Zahhak, but it is a stretch just to let non-family visit her. Do you expect me to bend the rules to allow him to stay with her? Doesn’t he have school?”  
“I’ve already called the school and let them know where he is.”  
“How many days can he take off for this? Because she’ll most likely be here until either her cancer goes into remission, or she dies.” I winced at her words, which she turned around and used against me, “He’s obviously distressed by this. It isn’t healthy for him to sit here and watch her die.”  
A spark of rage flared up, “I made a promise and I intend to keep it, no matter how much it may hurt to do so,” I spoke through gritted teeth.  
Nepeta grabbed my hand again, “Please let him stay… I can’t do this on my own.”  
Dr. Harley studied us for a moment before sighing, “Fine. He can stay to watch over her. But the first sign of misbehavior and he’s gone. Understood?”  
We both nodded. My father turned and offered his hand to shake, “Thank you doctor.”  
She shook his hand, “He is the only one allowed to stay with her after hours Mr. Zahhak. None of her other friends are allowed to do so.”  
My father nodded, turned to us, nodded, and then walked out of the room with both Dr. Harley and Dave.  
Nepeta smiled at me softly, “I’m glad you can stay with me through this, it’s hard enough as it is, let alone without having my best friend here.”  
I gave her a half smile, “I am glad to be of assistance.”  
She hugged me again before coughing for a solid minute with her arms still wrapped around my neck and her head attempting to rest on her shoulder.   
We talked for awhile, but around 8:30 Nepeta decided she was going to go to sleep. She laid down and was facing me, and she reached for my hand again, and I gave it to her. She held my hand when she was scared, she had been doing this for years now. It was purely platonic, I knew that for a fact, but it still gave me that slim sliver of hope that she reciprocated my feelings for her. However, I knew for a fact that she did not. She never gave any of the usual signs that she liked someone to me. I noticed them with Karkat, and I noticed them with Gamzee. Then we found out that they both were gay, and there’s nothing wrong with that, except that she was terribly hurt by them. Due to that, I always held a twinge of resentment toward them, even though they were good friends.  
Soon enough Nepeta was almost asleep, and she looked at me with half-lidded eyes, “Goodnight Equius, try to get some sleep.”  
I nodded and she fell asleep.  
I laid my head on the bed against my arm that Nepeta held on to, but sleep would not come. After an hour, I just began staring at the clock. Anxiety and fear for the sake of my best friend was what was keeping me awake. She could die right next to me in her sleep…  
Enough, thoughts like that will not help her. I thought angrily to myself. She will be fine, the medication will do it’s job and she will go into remission and hopefully will be able to resume a normal life. She is a fighter, you know that. She will not go down without a fight.  
I looked over at her, and she was sleeping peacefully. Another hour went by before the peace was disturbed by her face twisting in pain and her eyes opening.  
“I’m not feeling so great…” she said slowly.  
I knew the effects of pain medication, and a common side effect was nausea and vomiting. I assumed that cancer medication was worse with that. Dave had brought a bucket and left it on the other side of her bed for that exact reason.  
And it proved to be need as she rolled over and vomited into it. I rose and rubbed her back as she did so. When she finished she rolled back onto her back and I handed her a washcloth I had in my backpack. She dried her mouth and tossed it aside, “Ugh, that sucked.”  
I nodded, “I should have warned you that medication tends to do that.”   
She shrugged, “It’s fine Equius. Remember when Gamzee got put on those anger pills and he got sick all the time?”  
I nodded, we had been at his house after he took them for the first time and I ended up holding his hair back and Nepeta was rubbing his back as he got ill.   
She laughed weakly, “I’m definitely awake now, and it’s what, 10:30? It’s going to be a long night.”  
I nodded and she proceeded to ask, “Have you gotten any sleep yet?”  
I shook my head.  
She frowned, “You should try to get some sleep, and sleeping in that chair is not gonna help.” She patted the bed next to her.  
I hesitated, “They said if there was any misbehavior then I would not be able to stay with you.”  
“It’s not misbehaving, you’re just sleeping.”  
I nodded and after a moment of hesitation and laid down next to her. Dave walked in shortly thereafter and froze, “Um, what are you doing?”  
Nepeta gave him a hard look, “He’s going to try and get some sleep, we used to do this all the time when I’d stay over at his house.”  
Dave nodded slowly, “Okay… as long as you two don’t do anything weird.”  
We both nodded as Nepeta said, “We’re not like that, we’re not dating either. He’s my best friend.”  
Dave nodded, “My best friend actually works at the school you two are from, Dr. Egbert?”  
We both nodded.  
“Well I call him John. I’ve slept next to him a few times myself, so I understand. However, would you be able to sleep without him there Miss. Leijon?”  
“Just call me Nepeta, and honestly? I would, but he wouldn’t sitting in that chair all night.”  
Dave nodded, “Alright, I’m going to write this in your chart so you won’t get in trouble for it okay?”  
We both nodded and said thank you as Dave walked over and checked her vitals. He then took the used bucket and came back with a new one.  
“If she gets sick again, please hit the call nurse button and we’ll take care of it okay?”  
We both nodded and Nepeta curled up against my arm. Dave walked over by the bedside again before he left.  
“Do you guys want me to make this bed horizontal? It would make sleeping easier I’m not sure why I didn’t do that earlier.”  
The back of the bed was at an angle so she could sit upright easily. We both nodded and he lowered it back to a 180 degree angle. He left shortly thereafter.  
Nepeta tossed the blanket over me, even though she knew I most likely wouldn’t need it, and curled up against my left side. I turned my head to look at her (I was laying on my back) and she was already half asleep.  
“You know you can lay on your side,” she said, sounding a lot more tired than she did ten minutes ago.  
She let go of my arm and I rolled onto my left side, facing her. She wrapped her arms around my neck and buried her face in my chest and within minutes her breathing slowed and she was asleep.  
I thought back to how she was talking for most of today, and I realized she wasn’t making her cat puns like she usually did. Was she that sick already?  
I was a lot more comfortable laying next to her, and if I could forget that we were in a hospital it would almost be like we were at my house, curled up and going to sleep.  
In the moments before I fell asleep I listened to her breathing and she almost sounded like a sick cat, wheezing but humming every so often. It almost sounded like she was purring.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

The next morning I woke up and it was around nine in the morning. Nepeta was still wheezing and humming, with her face still buried in my chest. Instead of having her arms around my neck she had them pulled to her chest, one clutching the scrub shirt they had made her change into.   
The realization of everything that had happened yesterday came crashing down and the momentary peace I had when I first woke up shattered.   
I held her tighter and buried my face in her hair. I was most likely going to lose her to an enemy I could not fight for her.  
Her breathing caught and she looked up, causing my forehead to press against hers, “Good morning.”  
“Good morning,” I said, trying to disguise the sadness in my voice as tiredness.  
She didn’t buy it. She wrapped her arms around my neck again, “I’ll be okay, no need to worry about me okay?”  
“I am going to worry regardless you know this.”  
She frowned, “I’ll be fine.”  
I sighed, and realized she hadn’t moved her head. Her face was centimeters from mind, and that realization made my face flush a little bit. I didn’t have my sunglasses on either, I didn’t sleep with them on.   
She smiled a little bit and nuzzled her nose against mine, making my face flush even more.   
“What are you blushing for Equius?” she had her knowing smirk on.  
“Um…” I couldn’t think of an acceptable excuse.  
She smiled widely, showing all her teeth, “I think I know. You thought you could hide this from me didn’t you!”  
I didn’t say anything, she was right. As always.   
She was smiling widely, so I at least knew she wasn’t mad or disturbed.   
I had been making eye contact with her, but I looked away, but I didn’t move my head. I knew I was really nervous by how much I was sweating.   
“Look at me Equius,” she said quietly.  
I did so, and next thing I knew she had her lips on mine.  
I did not expect that.  
She tasted like blood and sleep, and that was okay. I kissed her back gently, to avoid hurting her, and broke off first so I could breathe.  
I knew for a fact my face was extremely red, and she knew it too.  
She was smiling still, and she kissed my nose.   
I was so confused, but it was a good confused.   
“Wha-at?” I managed to say after I got my thoughts together.  
“You didn’t notice that I had a crush on you?” she gave a teasing smile.  
“N-n-no?” I had no idea why I was stammering except for that my head was utterly scrambled.  
“Well I do, and I have for awhile now. I’m had my suspicions about you, and it looks like I was right!”  
Not knowing what to say, I simply kissed her again. 

~====<3====~

Doctors and nurses came and went all day. Nepeta refused to let me leave her side unless I had to, and I had no qualms with that.  
We spent most of the day with her curled up against my side, talking about school or anything else that came to mind. For awhile, she let me ramble on about robotics. I knew she had no interest in it, but according to her just hearing me talk was enough for her because I didn’t talk a lot.  
She rambled on about how adorable Karkat and Gamzee were for awhile, and then talked about some of our other friends and how she shipped them. I had heard them all before, but I still listened intently because, just like her with me, I loved to hear her talk.  
I noticed she threw in a cat pun here and there, but they were not a numerous as they had been before. When I realized that I buried my face in her hair and she asked me what was wrong.  
“I am just worried about how progressed your sickness is, and how long you might have,” I finally admitted after some probing.   
“I’ll be fine okay Equius? This medicine that they gave me this morning along with the cancer meds makes my chest hurt less, and I haven’t been coughing as much.”   
“They gave you pain medication, and a cough suppressant. If you didn’t have those you’d still be in pain and would be still coughing,” I said sadly.   
I would protect her from bullies at school. If some of the boys tried to pick on her, I’d simply step in and they would back off. I had the fear and respect of most of the boys at ASAS due to my size. I was over 6 feet tall and was constructed of almost entirely of muscle. One person has dared to take me on in a fight, and the left with a broken nose and a fractured skull. I wasn’t charged with battery because I was defending Nepeta, secondary self defense.   
Around 3:30 Kanaya came back with Nepeta’s parents.  
Mrs. Leijon ran up and hugged Nepeta, who had only let go of me seconds before, and sobbed into her daughter’s shoulder.  
Her dad walked in and froze. It took me a second to realize why, I was sitting next to his daughter in her hospital bed. That’s going to be hard to explain.  
Her mother let her go and her father walked over and gave her a tight hug before turning to me and nodding, “Hello Equius.”  
A slight twinge of anger hit me and I simply nodded my hello. If he hadn’t been smoking so much Nepeta would be fine.  
I didn’t need to mention this to him however, because the guilt was written all over his face, mixed with the irritation that I was sitting on his daughter’s hospital bed with her.  
Since it was later in the day it was Dave that came in to take her vitals. After he left, Kanaya walked over carrying a large stack of textbooks, “I brought both of your homework. It would be bad if you both fell behind in school.”  
I nodded and she placed the stack of homework on the table next to Nepeta’s bed. She was busy explaining to her parents what the doctors have been telling us all day. Due to how advanced and aggressive her tumors are, she has maybe 4 months to live.   
When she told that to her mother burst into tears and her father put an arm around her, fighting tears himself. Nepeta’s eyes watered and she turned and buried her face in my chest. I hugged her tightly, ignoring the glare from her father. I rubbed her back as she cried. Her mother did the same to her husband, burying her face in his chest.  
I kissed Nepeta’s head and she looked up at me, eyes shiny with her tears, “Thanks Equius, you’re the best.”  
I managed a sad smile for her, which was the best I could do with the stabbing pain in my chest from the short time frame she has to live.  
Kanaya tilted her head after Nepeta’s parents left the room to go get food for all of us, “Are you two together? And you didn’t tell us?”  
My face flushed because I didn’t know the answer to that question. Nepeta looked at me, looking equally confused, “Um… I really don’t know. Are we?”  
I shrugged, “I would not object to it.”  
She smiled through the tears on her face, “I wouldn’t either.”  
Kanaya smiled, “That’s wonderful you two.”  
My face was really red, and Nepeta’s face flushed as well.   
Her parents then returned with sandwiches for all of us. While we were eating, Nepeta looked up at her parents and said, “The doctor’s want us to consider chemotherapy, but I’ve heard some horrible things about it… like it only purrlongs your life a little bit. Today they told me that my chance of it going into remission is about 10% without chemo… and 15% with.”  
I would have smiled at the cat pun, but the situation was so grave I could barely keep myself composed. She had a 10% of survival. 10%.  
I inhaled a shaky breath and managed to compose myself. Nepeta and her mother were crying again. Then Nepeta’s face turned a shade of green, most likely from finally eating for the first time today. She got sick again, and just like last night I rubbed her back as she was. Her mother looked horribly distressed, and her father looked very stressed.   
“Sorry about that…” She wiped her mouth off and handed me what was left of her sandwich. I hadn’t eaten today either, so I devoured it only for it to not sit right in my stomach due to all the distress I was under.  
Around five Kanaya and Nepeta’s parents hugged her goodbye and left for the night, promising to come back Saturday, the decision on whether or not she should do chemotherapy put off till then when her parents could talk to her doctors about it.  
Nepeta laid down and pulled me down with her so she could curl up against me and rest her head on my chest. I rested my hand on her back and traced circles on it to try and calm her. She cried silently into my chest.  
“Nepeta, I urge you to try and rest. You have looked exhausted all day.” I stroked her hair as I spoke.  
“Okay…” she managed to choke out before coughing. She left her head on my chest and soon enough she was asleep.  
I continued tracing circles on her back, hoping that the feeling was calming and would help her stay asleep.  
I wasn’t sure what I thought about the whole chemotherapy debate. Nepeta didn’t want to bother because it was such a small difference in her chance of survival and I was inclined to agree with her, but at the same time I felt that even if it was a small difference she should still try.  
I also didn’t want her to spend the last few months she has suffering through chemotherapy, which I have heard to be excruciating, if it’s not even a significant chance of it helping her cancer to go into remission.  
Nepeta woke up again around seven and she curled up tighter against me, “Morning already?”  
I smiled slightly, “Not quite.”  
She laughed quietly before rolling over and becoming ill again. I rubbed her back just like I had been doing all day. She dried her mouth off and rolled over and curled up against me.   
“Don’t go anywhere…” she mumbled into my chest.  
“I made a promise and I will keep it. They would have to take me from here kicking and screaming.”  
She smiled a little, “I need to brush my teeth…” She slowly got up and went into the bathroom to brush her teeth while I hit the call nurse button so Dave could get her a new bucket.  
Dave walked in with a new bucket, “She feeling any better?”  
“No I’m not!” she called from the bathroom.  
I shook my head, “She cannot keep anything down for more than a few minutes when she does eat, other than that she has no appetite.”  
Dave nodded, “That is common with her combination of medication. They have her on, what, four pills every 6 hours?”  
I nodded. Two cancer medications, a painkiller, and a cough suppressant.   
He sighed, “My bro died from cancer. I became a nurse that works with cancer patients for that reason.”  
I nodded, “I am sorry that you lost your brother that way.”  
He shrugged, “It’s all good, he’s in a better place now that’s how I look at it. He had a tumor in his brain and toward the end he was so depressed because of it that he welcomed death with open arms.”  
I nodded numbly.  
“Don’t let her fall into that pit of depression,” he turned and left.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The days went by slowly and miserably.   
My father visited on Friday telling me that I would only be able to stay out of school for about a month before they started counting truancies unless I decided to take a semester off.  
“I…” I couldn’t finish my sentence when he asked me to make a decision. I turned and looked at Nepeta as if she had the answer I needed.  
She looked thoughtful, “Don’t take a semester off because of me… You need to graduate on time.”  
I looked at her, “But you need me here more Nepeta…”  
She shook her head, “I know I need you here, but you can’t mess up your future because I’m here dying.”  
I winced, “I made a promise that I intend to keep.”  
She looked at me sadly, “You can’t just keep sitting here with me watching me die, I see you struggle with the nightmares. You don’t think I know but I do. I wake up and see your face contorted in pain.”  
I paled, I didn’t know she had noticed.   
“Go back to school when you have to okay? I’ll be okay.”  
I hesitated before agreeing with her.  
Saturday rolled around and we talked to her family about chemotherapy. When Nepeta asked my opinion on the subject I still didn’t know how to respond.  
“I want you to even have that little more chance of survival, but I do not wish you to have to suffer with the effects of chemotherapy for it only to not work.” I said, not looking her in the eyes.  
“Look at me Equius…” she sounded sad. I turned to look at her only to see her eyes shining with unshed tears.  
“I am trying to figure out which would be best for you. Either way, the odds are really grim,” I told her, looking her straight in the eyes.  
She nodded, “I know… I think that I’m going to refuse the chemotherapy. Even though it gives me a slightly better chance, the chance is so slim and chemo is supposedly extremely painful…”  
I nodded as her father spoke, “Nepeta, think about what you are suggesting. You would give up a better chance to save yourself a little pain?”  
Rage flared up in my chest, but I held onto it. I must be respectful to him, even if he is the cause of her suffering. Instead, I addressed him respectfully, “Sir, she is old enough to make her own decisions, and she is already in a lot of pain despite the pain medication she takes. I ask that you please respect her wishes, even if you don’t agree with them.”  
He turned and looked at me angrily, “How dare you assume you know what is right for her!”  
I flinched. Nepeta let go of me and turned to face her father, “How dare you assume you know what is right for me when you’re not even here to see me suffering! I know you have other things you have to do, but oh my god he’s been my best friend for years and he knows me better than either of you do!”  
We all sat there, stunned, until she broke into another coughing fit. I rubbed her back and held her bangs out of her face. She coughed up blood onto the sheets, and when she was done she had blood draining out of the side of her lips.   
I pulled a washcloth out of my backpack and went to hand it to her but she fell into another fit. When she finally calmed down she had blood all over her hands and her mouth. Instead of handing it to her I wiped her mouth and hands clean for her before she fell backward and laid down. I gave her a worried look and listened to her panting and wheezing. I had almost gotten used to listening to her wheeze, but it seemed to be worse. It took her a moment before she coughed and said just barely above a whisper, “I’m okay.”  
I put aside the washcloth and pulled her into my arms. She buried her face in my chest.  
Her parents said nothing, Kanaya said nothing, I said nothing. Shortly thereafter, Kanaya and the Leijons awkwardly said their goodbyes and left.   
Nepeta looked up at me, “You know, I know you’re angry at him. I can tell by how your face looks when he walks into the room,” another coughing fit interrupted her. “I know you won’t disrespect him, but that doesn’t mean I won’t. I’m mad at him too.”  
I nodded.   
She gave me a knowing look, “I also know you’re holding in all the pain you feel right now. I can tell by the ferocity of your nightmares. I can tell by how you seem to be calming yourself down from a panic attack every so often.”  
I took a deep breath, she was right. I could feel a bundle of emotion in my throat, preventing me from speaking.  
She sat up and wrapped her arms around my neck and buried her face in my shoulder, “Let it out Equius, you don’t have to be strong all the time. Sometimes it’s stronger to let it out, that way you can better better deal with other things when they come your way.”   
She was right, I knew she was right. Before I was able to compose myself, I was sobbing into her shoulder. She was rubbing my back and whispering that everything would be okay. I sobbed for a few minutes before I was able to compose myself again.   
“I know you’re not done, I cried for days. Remember when you broke your arm sophomore year and I kept crying? This is far worse than that and you haven’t cried since I got here,” she was giving me a look that brought back that ball of emotion in my throat, only this time it was worse.  
I took my sunglasses off and placed them on the table and buried my face in her shoulder. Next thing I knew I was sobbing and screaming out the agony that had been building since Monday morning.   
Nepeta rubbed my back, again whispering that it would be okay. However, every time she would break off into a coughing fit I would sob harder and scream louder before getting quiet again.   
I was in this miserable fit for about two hours.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

It has been two weeks since Nepeta was admitted, and she was only steadily getting worse.   
She had refused chemo, despite her parents’ protests, and she was now taking ten different pills at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Well, the meals she would be eating if she had an appetite, and if she did eat she usually ended up throwing it back up. Within two weeks she had lost 15 pounds, and before she had gotten sick she had been roughly 130 at 5 foot 4 inches, so roughly average. Since she got sick, she has lost 20 pounds. She was bordering underweight. I only knew about this because I was in the room when the doctors were telling her how it was crucial for her to try and eat something.   
I tried to get her to eat at least a little bit, but to no avail. It was misery watching her waste away, and I knew it would only get worse.   
It was a Sunday night, and my father came to bring me home.  
We had it all set up. I would come visit her after school, paying Kanaya for gas of course, every other day and I would stay with her on weekends. My father would bring me home Sunday night.  
It was Sunday night, and I was going home for the first time in two weeks.   
I hugged Nepeta goodbye, promising her I would be back tomorrow after school. I kissed her goodbye at least five times, each time tasting blood and the salt of her tears as she cried. She didn’t want me to leave, I know she didn’t. She told me it was fine, but I couldn’t afford to miss any more school. I had stuffed my backpack with the washcloths I had initially brought and all the homework from this week for the both of us. I ended up having to carry most of Nepeta’s textbooks.   
I kissed her one last time before walking out of the room with my father, looking back at her as I left with a pang of sadness and agony in my chest.  
The car ride home seemed to take forever.  
I stared out the window as the highway signs passed by. My father knew better than to ask me what was wrong, because he already knew. My girlfriend was dying, and I could not miss any more school to be with her when she needed me.   
When we got home I threw the washcloths in the wash and took a shower. I let the water pound on my back as I silently cried. Ever since the first week, I had only let myself break down once every two days. Today was one of the days I would let myself break down, only this time I wasn’t able to break down in Nepeta’s arms.  
I sunk to my knees right there in the shower and sobbed silently.   
A little later I got out of the shower and threw on some shorts before crawling into bed. I laid there for hours, holding on to my pillow wishing it was Nepeta.  
I didn’t sleep that night.

~====<3====~

I walked into school the next day exhausted and numb.   
I ran into Gamzee right away, who gave me a hug and asked how I was doing.  
“I am fine Gamzee, it isn’t me who I am worried about,” I had replied simply.   
“Motherfucker I’d be all up and crying my eyes out if I was in your position,” Gamzee looked a little concerned, which was unusual for him.  
“I am fine Gamzee, I am being strong for Nepeta,”   
He nodded slowly as Karkat walked over, “Oh hey Equius, how’d Nepeta doing? Kanaya gives us updates, but she didn’t spend two weeks with her… Ah fuck I’m sorry we’re just worried about her.”  
I nodded, “It is fine Karkat, and to be completely honest with you she’s doing worse each day.”  
Karkat looked at the ground and Gamzee put his arm around his shoulder. I managed to stop myself from wincing, but only just.   
We went to class and the day went about as normal. I turned in Nepeta and I’s missing work to each of our teachers. At lunch I just moved around my food on my trave and ended up giving most of it to Gamzee, who was high as usual and had the munchies. Kanaya pulled me aside after lunch, “You aren’t eating Equius, and that’s highly unusual for you. You look thinner too.”  
I shrugged, “I am fine Kanaya. I appreciate your concern but I am fine.”  
I stepped to leave but she stood in front of me, “Equius I know you are concerned for Nepeta’s safety, and I know you have been distressed, but you need to take care of yourself.”  
I nodded, “I know, and I have been taking better care of myself lately, I just do not have any appetite as of right now.”   
She nodded slowly, “Well please eat more, it is vital that you eat or you will end up in the hospital yourself.”  
I nodded and we headed to Trigonometry.  
After school we met up by her car and made the long trek back up to Prospit.  
We didn’t speak much on the way there. I held Nepeta’s homework for the week in my lap, and had my backpack full of my textbooks and washcloths for Nepeta. I had left a small stack for her when I left last night, but knowing how sick she has been she probably went through all those washcloths by lunchtime today.   
As soon as we got there I climbed out of Kanaya’s car and we headed up to Nepeta’s room. I passed Dave on the way to her room, “Dave, how is she?”  
“She’s been very sick today, but as of lately that isn’t anything new,” he averted his gaze from his.  
“There is something you are not telling me,” I stepped in front of him as he tried to walk around me.  
“I think it would be best if you waited with her until the doctor comes. She has news for you both.”  
I nodded slowly. By the way he was acting, the news was not good.  
I walked quickly down the hallway, leaving Kanaya to jog to catch up with me, and I only slowed down when I got to Nepeta’s room. I could hear her getting sick in there. I rushed in, setting my backpack and her textbooks by the table and I climbed onto her bed and started rubbing her back and holding her hair out of her face. When she finished I grabbed a washcloth out of my backpack and handed it to her for her to dry off her face. She did so and then clung to my shirt.   
“I’m so glad you’re here right now… I’ve felt terrible all day,” she said, choking on her words.   
I stroked her hair and traced circles on her back and whispered, “I am sorry Nepeta, I am here now. I know that does not change how you are feeling, but I hope it makes you feel at least a little better emotionally.”  
She nodded, still clinging to my shirt.   
“I’m going to go to the cafeteria, I’ll be back in about a half hour to an hour,” Kanaya said before walking out of the room.  
Shortly after she left Dr. Harley walked in.   
“I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but I have bad news,” she said grimly.   
Nepeta looked up, “What’s the worst you can tell me? I’m already dying.”  
Dr. Harley nodded, “Your scans showed that the medication you are on are not counteracting the growth of your tumors. You now have four tumors in your left lung and six in your right and they are fairly large. The original projection of four months has been shortened to one at best. I am so sorry.”  
I felt my heart hit the floor. She had a month to live, and that was an optimistic estimate. Nepeta’s eyes welled up with tears and spilled over. “What?” she squeaked.  
“I am sorry Miss Leijon, there is nothing more we can do. Your body is not reacting to any of the medication we have tried and your cancer is extremely aggressive. I think even with chemotherapy it would only increase your chances to 5%, right now you have no chance of survival,” she gave her a sympathetic look.   
Nepeta wailed and buried her face in my chest. I numbly held on to her and stared at Dr. Harley, as if what she had said was only a dream.   
“I will be contacting your parents tonight to suggest in home hospice care, I suggest you get some rest Miss Leijon, and it was… pleasant seeing you Mr. Zahhak. She seems to do better emotionally while you are around,” Dr. Harley said with a nod.  
I nodded numbly as she turned and left. Nepeta sobbed into my chest for awhile before it finally hit me that she was going to die. There was no chance of survival.   
I threw my head back and screamed so loud Dave came running into the room and Nepeta flinched and covered her ears. When I realized that I was causing her pain, I slammed my mouth shut.   
Nepeta put her hand on my face and said, “Just let it out Equius, let it out.”  
I couldn’t hold the screaming inside my head any longer and I started screaming again.  
Nepeta rubbed my back and Dave walked over and put a hand on my shoulder. I could barely hear Nepeta’s sobs over the screaming that wouldn’t cease from my throat.   
My voice finally gave out and I fell forward and slammed my forearms against the metal bar at the end of the bed, denting it. Nepeta continued rubbing my back, trying to speak calming words through her sobs. Dave held his hand on my shoulder and said comforting words, reminding me that he knows what I’m going through.  
Nepeta wove her arms around my torso and cried into my side as I sobbed into my arms. Dave rubbed my shoulder, “I know how it feels man, but like everything emotions are only temporary, and your grief will subside eventually,” I hear his feet shuffle, which means he had most likely turned to face Nepeta. “As for you Nepeta,” I was right. “Spend your last few weeks with the people who matter most to you. Bro was only able to see family, and his boyfriend wasn’t allowed entry during his last few weeks. Jake still regrets not being there even though it was out of his hands. You’re one of the lucky ones that can have your friends with you, and in his case your boyfriend, and they can stay with you when you pass.”  
Nepeta nodded against my side, “Thank you Dave, it means a lot.”  
I looked up, “Thank you, you have been a great help during this.”  
Dave smiled a little, “That’s what I’m here for, if you need me just hit the call nurse button. If not I’ll be here in an hour.”  
After he left Nepeta pulled me backward to lay on my back. I stared at the ceiling as she curled up next to me.  
“Don’t leave…” she broke off into a really bad coughing fit before she could finish her sentence. I sat up and rubbed her back as she coughed up blood and what looked like bits of tissue most likely either from her lungs or throat.   
The fit was so bad tears fell from her eyes. When she finally stopped I kissed the tears off her face, hoping it would at least make her feel a little better.  
She looked up at me after drying her mouth and hands off. Eyes watering on both ends, she kissed me rather passionately considering how weak she had gotten over the last few weeks.   
I wrapped my arms around her and we fell backward, kissing each other like it was the last thing we’d ever do.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

I decided that I would take another few weeks off to be at Nepeta’s side while she slowly crept towards her inevitable death.   
I woke up before her, and I had a few extra dollars that was supposed to be my lunch money but I had no desire to eat anything. I decided I’d get Nepeta something to cheer her up, at least the best I could.  
Her favorite color was green, and mine was indigo. In the shop there in the hospital I saw a small group of flowers in a pot that were a light indigo with green leaves. They spilled over the edge of the pot and along the table like a vine.  
“Excuse me,” I said to the shopkeeper. “What kind of flowers are these?”  
“They are a type of Wisteria,” she said, looking up at me.   
I nodded, I think Nepeta would like them. I bought them and walked them back up to Nepeta’s room.

~====<3====~

It turned out, she absolutely loved them.  
I had set it on the table next to her bed while she slept before climbing back onto the bed to lie next to her. When she woke she saw them and the biggest smile spread onto her face.  
“Thank you Equius I absolutely love them!” she curled herself around my arm and nuzzled her head against it.  
“You are welcome Nepeta,” I wanted to say something else, but I held my tongue. Now was not the right time.  
Later that day, Kanaya came with her parents to make arrangements for at home hospice care.  
Usually hospice care is for the elderly who are at the end of their lives, but it is for the terminally ill as well. It was hard to think of Nepeta as terminally ill, but the truth was was that she was.  
I had finally stopped with my hope and delusion that she would get better. I knew she wasn’t.  
When they told her that she had no chance of surviving, she started refusing her medications except for the painkillers and the cough suppressants, saying that if they aren’t working then she shouldn’t bother, and she didn’t wanna die writhing in agony more than she already was.  
It still killed me to know that she was going to die from an enemy I could not fight for her. An enemy that I would gladly take into myself just so she could survive and live a happy and healthy life.  
At 6:25 PM they discharged Nepeta to hospice care at home. My father, who had been working that night, talked to the Leijons about letting me stay with her. Nepeta, who had been coming in and out of consciousness due to exhaustion, asked as well.   
“Can he stay with me?” she had rasped. “He’s been with me this entire time, and I don’t want him to go anywhere…”  
Her father opened his mouth to object but her mother gave him a stern look, “If that is what you wish Nepeta then I will allow it.”   
She smiled, “Thank you Mama. The one night I slept without him I couldn’t sleep at all…”  
I nodded, “I couldn’t sleep either.”  
Father had to work, so I went home in Kanaya’s car with the Leijons and her.   
We stopped by my house so I could pick up clothes and fresh towels before going to Nepeta’s.   
I helped her walk into her house, which had several steps leading up to the front door while her parents carried her backpack and books.  
She came home in the same clothes she went in wearing. She was no longer attached to an IV, so that helped, however she would be hooked up to it again in a few days with a morphine drip to kill the pain.  
Halfway up the seven stairs to her door she almost passed out, so I picked her up bridal style and carried her up to the front door, much to her father’s displeasure. I did not like displeasing him, but I felt that was the best way to get her up to her front porch.   
Her father unlocked the door and I walked into a disaster zone.   
Nepeta’s house had always been a mess, but it was worse than usual. There was trash everywhere, clothes and papers everywhere, and a stack of envelopes sitting on the coffee table. As I carried Nepeta toward her room, I noticed that they were hospital bills.  
That’s right, Nepeta’s insurance wasn’t going to cover her cancer medications or her hospital stay. I remembered Dave talking about it with Nepeta. They would cover transportation to the hospital, the ER visit, her painkillers and cough suppressants, but that was it.  
I passed her sister Meulin’s room, where she was passed out on the bed asleep. According to her mother, Meulin had been working double shifts for the last three weeks to help cover her sister’s medical bills. Her boyfriend, Gamzee’s brother Kurloz, had been helping as well.   
I thought of the savings I had from working with my father. He had let me have the time off to be with Nepeta, so I haven’t had a paycheck since last month. I had a few thousand saved up, however.   
Her family needs the money, I will give them as much as I can manage.  
I carried Nepeta into her room, which looked exactly how it had the last time I was here, two days before she went into the hospital.  
Her cat was sleeping on her pillow until we walked in. Her name was Night because of her midnight black fur. Nepeta and I had found her in an alley in a box when she was just a small kitten, and despite my protests she had to keep her.   
Her comforter was green and was tossed aside carelessly along with olive green sheets. She never made her bed, which I always thought was odd.   
Her desk was a mess of journals and books like it always was. I noticed her shipping journal was open, with a sketch of her and I on it.  
Her walls had posters of different TV series and animes that she was obsessed with, and she had her stack of manga in the corner. There was one sitting on the table beside her bed, Soul Eater Volume 2.  
I laid her down on her bed and Night immediately walked onto her stomach and curled up there. Nepeta giggled a little and started to pet her cat.  
Her mother came in and set the Wisteria plant on Nepeta’s desk in the small space that there was room.   
Her mom nodded, said something about making fried rice for dinner, and left.  
Nepeta hummed and petted her cat. She pat she space next to her closest to the wall, “Come sit with me?”  
I nodded and climbed onto her bed and laid next to her. Her cat got up, climbed off her, and curled up in the space between us. Her cat loved me for whatever reason.  
Nepeta pulled some of my long black hair out of my face, which was coated in sweat by now, and said, “Mama’s fried rice is really good, my favorite even, I’ve missed it since being in the hospital. It’ll be great to have real food again. And to shower in my own house. And to sleep in my own bed.”   
I chuckled, “It is very nice to be in your house again, and I know your mother’s fried rice is good I have had it before. Very filling, even for me.”  
She giggled, “Yeah.”  
I looked over at the clock, it was eight at night. The woman from hospice was coming all the way from Derse, which was two hours away. She wouldn’t be here until closer to nine.  
Her mother walked in, “We’re going to the store to get soy sauce, rice, and maybe something extra for you Nepeta. Is there anything in particular you want?”  
She thought for a few moments, “How about some cat treats for Night! She must’ve been so lonely without me here.”  
Her mother laughed, “I meant for you silly.”  
“Oh! I’m okay, get whatever you want mama.”  
“Okay sweetie, we’ll be back soon,” as she turned to leave her father called from the front room, “And by soon she means in an hour because you know how it is when your mother goes to the store!”  
We both laughed. They left and Night got up, stretched, and walked out of the room.  
Nepeta curled up closer to me, “I swear she could spend days in the grocery store.”  
The grocery store her family usually went to was on the other side of town, which took about ten minutes to drive to depending on traffic, and her mother usually spent at least 45 minutes looking for fresh produce for Nepeta and meats for her and Nepeta’s father. Nepeta was a vegetarian.   
Nepeta looked up at me and kissed me, wrapping her arms around my neck. She had taken her cough suppressant and her painkillers an hour ago, so she was relatively pain free, and wasn’t coughing. The medication would wear off in a few hours, and she would be back to clutching her chest and coughing, but for the time being she would feel almost normal besides the wheezing, the shortness of breath, and fatigue.   
Slowly but surely she would kiss me deeper and start nibbling on my bottom lip. She let my tongue explore her mouth, and every so often we’d break off so she could breathe.   
She looked at the clock when we did, probably keeping track of time before she expected her parents to be home, and then she’d pick up where we left off.   
While we were kissing my phone went off, much to my displeasure. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, it was a text from Mrs. Leijon.  
Will be back a little later than anticipated, traffic is a mess and I want to stop by a new store that’s near the grocery store that just opened up. Just figured I’d let you know.  
I relayed the message to Nepeta before replying Okay.   
Nepeta had laughed, “They’re not going to be back till roughly 9 now, and it’s only 8:15.”  
I shrugged and she kissed me again, deeper than before. I force of it made me roll onto my back and she was half on top of me.   
She pulled off to breathe and gave me a mischievous grin. She wasn’t thinking of… Oh god.  
“I know what you are doing Nepeta and I do not advise it, not with how sick you are…” I knew exactly what she was doing, my body told me what she was doing, and as much as I wanted to, I knew it wasn’t to be done. Not in her condition.  
“I know you don’t advise it… but I want to at least once…” she didn’t say “before I die,” but the unspoken words hung in the air.  
I thought for a few moments, I was stuck with the dilemma of doing what she wanted and risking hurting her, or not taking that risk and her being disappointed and most likely sad.   
I didn’t know what to do.   
She gave me a look that said “Please? For me?”  
I sighed, “First off, how are you feeling pain-wise right now?”  
“A little in my chest, but not much. I’d rate it on a scale of 1-10 at a 2.”  
“Okay, what about respiration? How are your breathing?”  
“I’m breathing okay, considering everything.”  
I nodded slowly, “Are you sure about this?”  
“I’ve never been more sure.”  
“I do not want to accidentally hurt you… Which is why I have reservations about this.”  
She gave me a serious look, “I know, and if it hurts, I’ll let you know. I… I love you okay? You’re the only person I’ve ever wanted to do this with, and it would make me very happy if you agreed to it.”  
I blinked a few times, she… what?   
I kissed her gently, “I love you too Nepeta, I have for years.”  
I felt her smile and I continued, “If it will make you happy, then I agree.”  
She kissed me back deeper and with more passion than she’s ever kissed me. Everything progressed at a reasonable pace, and she didn’t complain about any pain even once. Hearing her wheeze was painful, but the anxiety was overtaken by other senses.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

By the time we managed to compose ourselves, redress, and curl back up next to each other, it was almost nine.   
“Do you mind if I use your shower?” I asked, tracing circles on her neck.  
“Go right ahead, I’ll probably use it after you when the hot water comes back.”  
I kissed her forehead and went to take a shower. It took me a few minutes to figure out how to use it, seeing as I have never showered here before, but eventually I had hot water pounding on my back.  
When I got out Nepeta’s parents were just getting home. I nodded hello before walking into Nepeta’s room to find her asleep with the most peaceful look on her face that I’ve seen since she got sick.   
I laid down next to her and put an arm around her waist. Her mother and a man that wasn’t Nepeta’s father walked in after about a half hour to let me know that the hospice worker had arrived.   
“My name is Jake, I’ll be looking after her,” he bowed his head.  
I thought for a second, “Do you know a nurse named Dave?”  
He nodded.  
“He was helping Nepeta in the hospital, he mentioned you once.”  
Jake nodded, with a distinct look of grief in his eyes.  
Nepeta stirred and she lifted her head, “Who are you?”  
“My name is Jake, you must be Nepeta,” he kneeled by her bed, and rested his arms on it. “I’ll be taking care of you okay?”  
“Okay, can Equius stay? My parents said it was okay…” I could hear her biting her lip.  
“If your parents say it’s okay, then it’s fine by me,” he shrugged. “In fact he could probably be a lot of help in keeping an eye out for you.”  
I nodded, “I have been watching over her this entire time, it is no hardship.”  
He nodded, “Great, I’m glad you can help.”  
I nodded.  
Dinner was served shortly thereafter, and Nepeta managed to keep the little she ate down. I managed to eat for the first time since they told us that she didn’t have much time left.  
Around ten we curled up in her bed and she fell asleep almost instantly. She had been worn out by everything today, so it didn’t surprise me that she fell asleep so fast. Shortly after she fell asleep, I did too.

~====<3====~

The next week went by without much incident. A few days after she left the hospital she was put on an IV drip of morphine because the pain in her lungs was not being counteracted by the medication anymore.  
I stayed with her at all times unless I had to leave to do something, even then I was within shouting distance.  
Jake and I took care of her, even though he said that he had a handle on it. Even though I knew she was going to die, I wanted to make her as comfortable as possible before she did.  
She usually stayed curled up besides me with her face buried in my chest, a hand clutching mine, and her other hand clutching her chest.   
It was her second week out of the hospital where things started to go wrong.  
I woke up Monday morning, and she her skin was almost bluish it was so white. I shook her gently and her eyes blinked open and she coughed up a chunk of tissue out of her throat that was almost black with blood.   
I paled and yelled for Jake, who came running in, “What’s wrong?”  
Nepeta held up her hand to show him, “This came out of my throat…”  
He looked at it, “It looks like a piece of tissue from your throat, hopefully it’ll heal. The blood is from your lungs.”  
She nodded and I calmed down a little before asking, “Why is her skin so blue?”  
“She’s not getting enough oxygen around her body. Her skin was bluish before, but now it’s gotten worse. I hate to say this but that’s the beginning of the end.”  
Nepeta sighed, “I figured, it’s getting harder to breath every day and I feel more and more exhausted.”  
It was true, her breathing came in short pants and she was sleeping almost constantly. I was terrified of the day she fell asleep and didn’t wake up.  
I traced circles on her back, trying to calm myself down. Jake was explaining something to Nepeta, but I couldn’t hear him. I had zoned out completely, only focusing on how my hand was tracing circles.   
She can’t die… she just can’t…  
Jake snapped his fingers in front of my face and I snapped out of the depressive haze I was in, “Yeah?”  
“I said, keep an eye on her. Let her rest, and I’ll up the dosage of morphine a little bit, she isn’t at the max dosage so it’ll be okay. Okay?” he looked almost worried.  
I nodded slowly, “Okay…”  
Nepeta went back to sleep and I held her, unable to rest myself. I didn’t eat the entire day.   
A few days later I woke up and I couldn’t tell if Nepeta was even breathing or not. Panicking, I gently rested my hand on her back and felt a very faint rise and fall.  
I shook her gently, it was almost noon and she had to take her midday meds anyway, and she didn’t wake. Her face was smiling, but she didn’t wake.  
I yelled for Jake, who came in and rushed over to Nepeta’s side to check her vitals. His mouth pressed into a hard line as he shook her to try and wake her up. She did not wake.  
“Her heartbeat is slow, and her respiration is also slow. I’m afraid she is comatose for now, and most likely will be until she passes.”  
I felt all the blood drain out of my face and tears welled up and spilled over as I remembered the day prior. It was an normal day, well as normal as normal could have been lately. She told me that she was feeling pretty good considering the circumstances. She was doing good…  
I buried my face in her shoulder and wailed. I needed to be strong, but I couldn’t help it. I was most likely would not speak to her again. I would not hear her voice again. I would not be able to feel her curl up next to me and tell me she loves me.   
In fact, that was the last thing she would ever say to me.  
“I love you.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys thanks for reading this is the last chapter! I absolutely love hearing your guys' feedback, and thank you for reading all of this!

Chapter 11

She stayed like that for another day.   
I woke up. It was November 24th, and it was my 17th birthday. I barely could remember that fact because when I woke up Nepeta’s body was cold, but with a smile on her face.  
I screamed on top of my lungs for Jake, who ran in and checked for a pulse, and found none. He checked for respiration, and found none.   
I sobbed into her shoulder, which was now cold. Jake estimated Time of Death at 5 AM on November 24th 2013.   
I laid there holding her body and sobbing into her shoulder. Before the paramedics arrived, I rolled her onto her back and kissed her stone cold lips, whispering, “I love you Nepeta.”

~====<3====~

The funeral was that Wednesday. She died on Sunday.  
I could barely contain myself at the funeral. I was crying of course, but I could barely contain the screams that ricocheted through my head.  
I returned home Sunday afternoon, walking through the snow to my house on the other side of town. The cold numbed my body, but could not numb the pain that I held in my chest.   
I didn’t sleep for more than a few minutes for the next week. I was alone, and the love of my life was dead.   
I returned to school that Monday.  
I walked numbly into the building and the first thing that happened was Gamzee and Karkat walked up and gathered me into a group hug. I stood there numbly, I could barely feel them there.   
“We’re so sorry bro, if you need anything just all up and ask okay?” Gamzee had said.  
“Yeah seriously Equius if you need something just fucking ask,” Karkat said as well.  
I nodded at them both and excused myself to go to class.  
Each of my friends expressed their condolences, and each of them hugged me for varying amounts of time. Tavros even hugged me from the confines of his wheelchair.  
I went home at the end of the day with Kanaya, who had to pull over twice because she was crying so hard. Her and Nepeta had been good friends. She would pull over and hug me and cry. I couldn’t cry anymore, I had to stay strong, for Nepeta.  
The next day at lunch I felt everyone’s eyes on me as I just picked at my lunch. I hadn’t eaten in almost 3 days.   
Kanaya, who sat in front of me, spoke first, “Equius you need to eat something. I know you’re not eating at home and you look like you’ve lost at least 15 pounds.”  
“20, but you were close.”  
The look of worry did not leave her face, “We know you’re depressed but you need to function right… She wouldn’t want you to waste away to nothing because she’s gone.”  
I looked down at my tray and nodded. I left to go use the restroom and everyone’s eyes followed me as I started walking over there.  
Next thing I knew I was laying in the infirmary, in the same bed Nepeta had what felt like forever ago.  
Kanaya, Tavros, Gamzee, Karkat, Sollux, and Eridan were sitting around me, each with a very worried expression on their faces.  
“What happened?” I asked Kanaya, who was sitting closest to my head.   
“You passed out. Dr. Egbert says it’s because your blood sugar was so low your body couldn’t keep itself going.” She pointed at the IV that was stuck in my arm. “That woke you up.”  
I nodded, “I guess you were right about me needing to eat Kanaya.”  
She nodded.   
Dr. Egbert and another woman walked up, “Equius, this is Roxy and she is the grief counselor here on campus. Your father requests that you see her at least twice a week, starting tomorrow.”  
I nodded slowly. I tried to sit up but I was only hit with a wave of dizziness.  
“Stay lying down for now, when that IV finishes we’ll check your blood sugar again and see where you’re at. You need to eat properly, no matter how depressed you are right now,” Dr. Egbert instructed.   
I nodded and Kanaya piped up, “You know Equius you would feel a lot better if you just talked to us about what’s going on inside your head.”  
Roxy nodded, “You have good friends Equius, you’ll be okay. You don’t have to be strong all the time.”  
I felt my eyes well up again but I took a deep breath and willed them away.  
Kanaya gave me a stern look, “See? That is what you need to stop doing. Like she said you don’t have to be strong all the time.”  
I nodded slowly and I swear I could hear Nepeta’s voice saying, “Just let it out, just let it out.”  
And so I did.


End file.
